By Leland E Pulley
I want good relations with others in all aspects of my life. This includes at home, at work, and in the community. Good relations can be between individuals or groups. These can range from personal relationships to business partnerships to political ties.
The people I know and associate with also want good relations with others. They want mutual respect, tolerance, and rights. They do not have hate nor ill feelings towards others. They do not purposely do things that interfere with others, agitate them, take advantage of them, use them, or deceive them. I hope the people in your life and environment want these same things.
The relationships people have with one another can vary a great deal. The primary factor is the actual persons or groups involved. Relations are also affected by the circumstances people are in and their contentment with such circumstances. In most cases, negative and bad circumstances work against good relations between people. But more important than circumstances is the willingness of people to strive for good relations. When this willingness is combined with the ability of people to do what is needed to improve relations, then positive changes occur. Better relationships can be developed and sustained over long periods of time. Who does not want this in their lives?
Let us look at some common causes of poor relations between people, and then we will consider how to develop good relations. As you go through these causes, identify the ones you have experienced.
- At times, people do not understand one another or why individuals do certain things. How much do you experience this in your life?
- There are social “walls” between people. Not enough effort is put into effective communication to increase understanding and empathy. Think about individuals or groups you have a hard time interacting with in an acceptable manner to both parties.
- Here are some things that get people perturbed and upset at times, and weaken relations between them. Gossip, slander, and lying turn people against one another. Exaggeration gives a distorted picture to others and is not appreciated by them. Withholding information or evidence usually leads people to false conclusions. False advertising misleads people and gets them to buy things they would not have, if they had known the full story. How do these things affect you?
- People have trusted others and been taken advantage of or used. A good example is fraud. Now they do not trust others nearly as much. Who do you trust and not trust?
- People want safety. When they feel unsafe on a street or in a certain area of town, this neutralizes their feelings for others who do things that make streets and neighborhoods unsafe. Do you feel unsafe at times?
- Some individuals have real challenges to face or problems to overcome, and few people step forward to help them in anyway. It is only natural that most individuals react in a negative way to this lack of concern, support, or assistance by others. Usually a negative and pessimistic attitude develops toward people in general. Have you gone through this?
- You make a mistake and some people will not forget it. They remind you of your errors. They do not forgive you. Eventually you do not forgive them either and try to avoid being around them.
- When people are down in life and things are not going well, it is easy to blame others rather than themselves. There is resentment. Negative thoughts about others are generated. This makes it harder to develop good relationships of any kind. Do you react in this way?
- Some people see others merely as competitors in a Adog eat dog@ or Athe strongest person wins@ world. They do not see others as potential teammates or partners with common goals. How do you see it most of the time?
- Social problems like poverty, discrimination, crime, abuse, racial strife, economic inequalities, and other factors contribute to different living conditions for people and different experiences they have. One result of this is that different values are cultivated and different attitudes develop. Such things build walls between individuals and groups. Are there walls between some individuals or groups and you?
- For an individual, group, or nation, if the other party is perceived as a threat rather than an ally, there will be worse relations between the two sides. Think of an example of this in your life.
The above examples have something in common. It can be summarized this way. People are not really against others as much as against what others do at times. Others may hurt them or disappoint them in some way, so people react to this. The common perception is you dislike the person, but in so many cases it is the behavior of the other person you dislike. In other words, no one is my natural enemy as a person. No one is someone I cannot associate with if both of us want this to happen. The same thing applies to me and groups. Is this how you think and feel?
To test out this claim, let us consider what happens when the negative factors listed above are removed and replaced with positive factors. In other words, people stop doing those things and start doing more positive things while interacting with one another. What will happen between people? There is more communication, understanding, and empathy. Fears begin to go away and trust develops. There is more sharing and service. People begin to feel closer to one another. There is more tolerance and forgiveness. Ultimately, there is more love. This type of thing is contagious or it will spread from one person to another and produce a better environment for everyone. Remember, “good” can spread as fast and permeate as much as “bad”. How much have you experienced positive influences overcoming negative ones and your relations with others improving as a result?
I am not being idealistic here. The human family has some common characteristics and spiritual qualities shared by everyone. This is why we all want so many of the same basic things out of life. When we seek common virtues and strive for similar goals, we grow closer together in the process. Good feelings increase and the spiritual love that exists between us is strengthened (as I noted above). This love shows up in the lives of people to various degrees. It can and should exist between people at home, at work, and in the community. I have seen this love in families and between friends. I have seen it between neighbors who get to know one another and share good experiences. It exists between members of churches. I have seen volunteers in the community grow closer together as they work to obtain common goals. What these examples have in common is this. People have differences between them, but they have more things in common too. By practicing tolerance and learning to live and work together, they can commit their time, energy, and money to common goals. Unity will arise because common desires and needs outweigh individual differences. This unity promotes good feelings and it leads to better people relations.
Good relations can exist between people in different nations and cultures. I have seen it between members of my church, who live in North and South America, Asia, Africa, Europe, and Australia. Its members speak different languages, have different traditions and cultures, but they have common human needs including good people relations. These common needs are greater than the outward differences between members worldwide. Like a family member, personal friend, or good neighbor, I can go throughout the world to members of my church and find Ainstant friends@. These are people I can trust and they will help me. This is because of shared beliefs, values, standards of behavior, and goals. We have established a universal brotherhood and sisterhood that addresses both the spiritual and temporal needs of church members worldwide. What I am describing here is real unity. In a similar way, friends, neighbors, families, groups, cities, and even nations could experience more unity and better people relations too. And they will if they make the right effort to obtain this reward.
What everyone must decide is whether they want good relationships with others, and what price they are willing to pay to improve the relations they have now. Perhaps some things in the past have to be forgotten. Other people have to be given a second chance. Minds have to be opened up wider to allow more tolerance. Individuals must stop negative thinking patterns and replace them with positive ones. People must compromise with one another to get things done. Things like this are the price of better relations.
Consider the list of negative factors I gave earlier, and let it help you identify things in your life that bother you or limit your ability to have better relationships with others. Be honest with yourself and do some soul searching here. You know what you think about specific individuals or groups, and how you feel about them too. Are you justified in having some of the thoughts and feelings you do? Maybe some change is needed on your part to see things clearer, or as they really are. Perhaps it is up to you to take the first step and reach out to a person or group. If you will do this, the burdens of negative thoughts and feelings will begin to be lifted. Your life will take on additional depth and have more meaning because people are playing a bigger role in it.
In summary, I believe most people want and will do positive things if given half a chance to do so. However, there are negative influences and forces in their environments that work against them. Unfortunately, many of these persons with good intentions are simply too weak to overcome all the adversity facing them. They get discouraged. They give in too much. They give up at times. They allow themselves or excuse themselves in doing things that work against them and others in the long run. Everyone does this at times to one degree or another. Since we are all connected together through our daily interaction, what others do in this area does affect us. We influence each other continually. This is why people relationships remain a challenge for all of us.
May you find ways to avoid things that inhibit good relations with others. Instead, find ways to strengthen yourself and sustain good people relationships. Strive to make life the best experience you can for yourself and others who you can influence and strengthen. This will help you to be happy and have a life of fulfillment.
Key Words – relations with others, circumstances, communication, understanding, trust, forgive, relationships, spiritual qualities, common virtues, love, unity, tolerance, compromise, adversity
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