By Colleen Pulley
When you are holding your little child in your arms, you do not think that anything will ever happen that will weaken the love you feel when you look at the perfect creation you are responsible for. At that moment you see only the potential for good your child possesses. You visualize him or her becoming successful, responsible adults who will one day marry and have children of their own.
What parents do not realize is that before your child becomes what you visualize them as, you have many years as a coach, counselor, mentor, and example. Your hand will be on their shoulder. Your words of encouragement and support will be whispered in their ear. They will know that your shadow is behind them, to help them when they stumble and fall. It is a great responsibility that sets on a parent’s shoulders. The mission you have is to do everything in your power to provide the knowledge and experiences to each child so they can become all that they have the potential to become.
You are the most important teacher and mentor they will have in life. If you go about the job in a hap hazard way, they will still grow up, but the things you do not explain to them or allow them to experience will be taught and provided to them by someone else. What happens when it is not someone who is ethical, or who does not have a sense of moral responsibility?
You will be there long after the latest teen idol, or super star fades from their vision. You will be the one who will struggle through the years of rebellion, and rejection. You will be there to hold them and forgive them as they make mistakes and work through the problems they encounter.
I have never met a perfect parent, but then again, I have never met a perfect child either. I know that my husband and I did not do everything right, but thankfully, children have the capacity to forgive, and you can build upon the experiences you have. What you hope for is that when something that can help you be a better parent appears before you, you can incorporate it into your parental experience.
My husband had earned a degree in engineering, and I was earning my degree in nursing when we were married. It was not always easy to combine the parental approaches of a Project Engineer and Nurturing Nurse, but one thing we did was TALK, TALK, TALK. Because of this we finally succeeded in developing an approach that was the right combination for us.
The key word in my husband=s engineering philosophy was the word Stewardship. It encompassed a management approach to anything that the engineering project touched; time, finances, people. My nursing background taught me to approach caring in a holistic manner. As we intertwined our lives together, we soon realized that if an individual used a Stewardship approach to living and achieving success in life, it became a powerful tool. It meant more than fiscal responsibility, religious donations, managing a company or church budget, or caring for the environment, which most people assume Stewardship means.
It is interesting that as the children came along, we spent hours talking about what our parental approach was going to be. I knew exactly the way he felt about discipline and what things he felt were important to instill in a child=s life. What was more interesting was the fact that what he felt, I agreed with completely.
Two adults working together to achieve parenthood in a new way. We were willing to work with each child with tools that we thought he needed to become a success in life. This is the thing we wanted most out of parenting. What we wanted was a way to strengthen our family. For us this was the gold ring on the carousel of life that all parents seek.
If you are a parent, you will eventually receive a grade. You can excel, do average, or fail miserably. Consider the parental approach developed over the years in our family. What does it ask you to do? Stop wherever you are now. Evaluate your efforts as a parent. Plan out what you want to achieve, then go after it like a demon possessed. You ARE possessed. You are possessed with the vision of what you will be creating. There is only one thing that you can do that will determine your success or failure, Action. You must act upon the vision you alone have created together. DO IT.
Our parental approach went through many changes over the years, but the framework always remained the same. We were consistently involved in family life and active parenting.
- Since the day of our marriage, there has always been both a father and mother in the home. Related to this, no child participated in daycare.
- As a mother, I would read simple stories to my children when they were young.
- We periodically met with each child to discuss relevant topics and some realistic goals. We kept some notes of what was discussed on a meeting form created by us.
- Some learning activities were created to emphasize important topics like goals, strengths and weakness, and values. These were adapted for each child and his age.
- We held family meetings Parents and children both participated. The kids gave short talks or presentations on relevant topics.
- To supplement formal schooling via the public schools, we offered home school to some of our kids for 1-3 years depending on their individual needs at a specific age.
- Early in our marriage we bought a piano. Over the years four of our kids learned to play it. Two of these kids also played another musical instrument.
- Over the years we visited parks, beaches, historic sites, and museums.
- All our children were exposed to true religion. They participated in church activities with us and other families with kids the same ages.
We had successes, and failures along the way. We found that the approach was continually changing, because a family is not a stationary thing, it grows, and modifies what it wants with the individuals that make up the family. It is a dynamic unit. If it does not adapt and modify as the individuals change, it become dysfunctional. You are not the same at thirty, when you are fifty. A child at five has different needs than at ten.
I mentioned in other articles some of my experiences when taking graduate classes. Now I would like to relate a few experiences I had while working as a nurse in a trauma unit at a large teaching hospital. In an instant, things can often change not only for the person involved in a traumatic accident, but for the individuals in the family unit. It is a time when the best and sometimes the worst in a family will rise to the occasion. I worked closely with the families, and as I guided and supported and advocated for them, I realized the importance of including the topic of death and dying for a family. It is important to talk about it when your five-year old’s fish dies, and imperative to seriously talk about it as your youth becomes a young adult.
This was brought home to me as I watched a young twenty-one-year-old woman face the death of both her parents. They had been hit by a drunk driver. Her mother’s death was followed by her father’s death, two weeks later. During that time, she signed permits, found their living wills, and consoled her sixteen-year-old sister. One night as I sat with her, she told me that she was so grateful that her parents had seen the need to talk with their children about what if something happened@ and they were not there to help them?
Besides the need to prepare a child for things by talking to them about certain topics, like addictions, sexuality, and peer influence, we need to talk with them about success, goals, confidence, and love. We need to coach them as they succeed and help them see that a failure can be turned into a success if they learn from it. There are ethics and honesty, moral issues, agency, and work that need to be discussed. These are all tools that your children need to learn. You are there as the mentor and teacher to help them become the adult you had only visualized, they would be, when they were small children playing in your home.
So, look at this as a new beginning for you and your family. It is a challenge that is uniquely yours. You have the opportunity to develop whatever type of family you desire. I remember reading a poem once that has always stuck with me. One line should be the course that you set. AHitch your wagon to a star, close your eyes and there you are@. If this is what you want, then make it a reality for you and your family.
Now a final comment. You can do everything you think is best for your children. In the end, however, it is THEIR decision how much they become what you expected them to be. You must understand that even if your children make mistakes as adults, these belong to them, not to you.
Remember too that sometimes your child may stumble along the way, but finally understand those lessons you instilled in his or her life.
Until next time, advice from someone who appreciates where you are.
Key Words – children, parents, teacher and mentor, parental approach, evaluate your efforts as a parent, learning activities, family meetings, home school, true religion, visualized, children make mistakes as adults
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