By Leland E Pulley
Failure is a common experience. It happens to everyone in some way, and it occurs throughout our lives. The real issues are how to decrease the amount of failure we experience, and then deal effectively with failure when we do go through it. Just as important is being concerned about its effect upon us over time.
Failure is not accomplishing what you want. It is not succeeding in an endeavor. It is giving up before you have reached a goal. It is looking back on your life and sensing that more should have been done. It is not being as happy and fulfilled as you could be. It is missing out on opportunities and not being given those same opportunities again. Yes, failure comes in many ways and for many reasons. It is a universal experience which occurs frequently in the lives of each of us. It can affect every aspect of our lives.
We cannot avoid failure because we are not perfect human beings living in a perfect world. Instead, we must focus on decreasing the amount of failure we experience. Then we must learn to handle different types of failure as we go through them. Over time we should monitor the effects of our failures on ourselves and other people. Let us consider some illustrations.
- School – Everyone experiences schooling while growing up. Each student is given the chance to take his studies seriously and learn as much as possible. Some learning environments at a school or in the home are better than others. But the individual student still has the option of deciding for himself how much he will study, and ultimately which subjects he chooses to stress in both high school and college. Some students do not complete high school, and this is certainly a form of failure which works against them in several ways in adulthood. Other students go on to college and fail to finish a degree. This too limits their opportunities in the job market. There may be some legitimate reasons why some people fail to get good job training and or a college degree while in their early twenties. However, this does not stop them from pursuing more job training and college classes at a later age. In this case students who did not do as well in school as they could have, can take classes later and strive to improve their situation. With time they can diminish the effects of their limited academic achievements.
- Job – You are laid off from your job and now are concerned about paying the bills. In many cases this is not your fault personally, but still this situation creates a problem for you. It may be judged by others as failure on your part, but that is not necessarily true unless you contributed to being laid off in some way. To minimize the failure, you may have foreseen that layoffs were coming and taken action in advance to have another job lined up. The ultimate solution is to find a new job, and hopefully it offers as many opportunities as the job you lost.
- Marriage – You do your best in selecting a mate and establishing a marital relationship. Years later you end up getting divorced. Is this a form of failure and are you the only one to blame? Perhaps there was poor judgment exercised in selecting your mate and perhaps you contributed to the divorce. But your mate probably contributed too so there is shared blame. There were some good things and perhaps some negative things which you took away from this experience. For this reason, you should not consider it a total failure, but merely something that did not work out as well as you had wanted. Do not close the doors to marriage. Be open and seek a better marital relationship in the future.
- Small Business – You decide to start a small business, like many people do. You make some preparations and do your best to get the business started. After being in business for a while, you find out there is more involved in running a successful business then you had anticipated. Also, new competition has entered the scene and is seeking the same customers and their money that you are. Eventually, your business begins to fail or its costs are greater than its income. Would you consider this a total failure or a great learning experience in life? Perhaps you can start another business in the future with a better plan and more money to invest in it.
- Parenting – It is a challenging endeavor today. You put forth effort with each child hoping that he or she will become a mature and responsible adult. This may be true for some children, but all your good intentions for each child will not come true. There will be some disappointments in how specific children turn out as they get older. Some of their decisions will not please you. As the years go by, each parent will be asking the question could I have done more? How much of the child=s mistakes or problems are due to you or due to the child=s own choices? What is important here is accurate judgment of who is responsible for what in the child=s life? In this way you will not feel like a failure to a greater degree than you should. Discussing the child’s performance over time, including his adult years, is recommended. If this occurs properly, both you and your child will strengthen your relationship and help each person to have a better life.
- Home Buying – You buy a home during a time of higher prices. A few years later the economy is down and home prices have dropped. In your area prices are very low. Your house is underwater or worth less than what you owe on it. Meanwhile, it is hard to sell homes and the mortgage company wants payments from you. Without them, foreclosure begins in ninety days. This is a type of failure, but not something you should take personally. Too many financial, economic, and regional factors are in play here. You must deal with the situation the best you can, but do not let it discourage you personally or affect your attitude and performance in other areas of your life.
I could give other illustrations of activities or endeavors in which various degrees of failure occur for each of us. In some cases, the blame rests with us individually and in other cases the blame is shared with other individuals. In each illustration above the individual has the power or choice to do his best. In this way he can diminish the chances of failure or the degree of failure which he experiences.
The most important thing is whether the individual considers himself a failure. No one is a failure because a college degree was not achieved in four years. No one is a failure because a marriage did not work out entirely as hoped for at a younger age. Employment is not entirely within your control, so being laid off does not label you as a failure unless you directly contributed to it. As a parent, do not judge yourself as a failure because a child does not do everything right according to your aspirations for the child=s future.
You only become a failure when you accept yourself as one. Failure to achieve various goals in various endeavors does not make you a failure. In fact, you could have learned a great deal and strengthened yourself in many ways by going through such experiences. Do not put yourself down in this regard. Do not look in the mirror and see failure written on it. This does not help you in any way. It merely pulls you down further and contributes to a poorer performance in future activities, endeavors, and relationships.
Many things in my life over the decades have not turned out as I had wanted nor expected. There has been frustration and disappointment. But I have never considered myself as a failure. I hold my head up high and look people straight in the eye. I am confident and satisfied with who I am at this point in life. Yes, it would have been nice to have been more successful in various endeavors and had a broader range of experiences. More good relationships with different types of people would have broadened me out more and added even more depth to my life. However, the issue is not what could have been or should have been. It is what really happened and its impact on me today. I am winning in the game of life and do not look in the mirror and judge myself as a failure.
It is up to you to review your past and consider your present life. Review your failures and success stories. Be honest with yourself. Do not label yourself as a failure. Separate experiences which did not go well from you as an individual. In other words, you may have failed to achieve everything you wanted in various endeavors, but merely trying made you a better and stronger individual. Give yourself credit where credit is due or where you did things right or did good for yourself and others. Lift your head up when interacting with others. Let them know that you know you have something to offer both for them and yourself. In the future project the best self you can and put forth your best efforts. You will minimize the extent of failure in your life and feel more like a successful person. I challenge you to do this. You will be amazed at how much good will come of this.
Key Words – failure, a common experience, types of failure, choice, do not label yourself as a failure, give yourself credit
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