By Colleen Pulley
A few years ago Leland and I went to a Dinner Dance for Valentine’s Day. It reminded me of other activities we have gone to over the long years of our marriage. I think one of the best things you can do when you begin a marriage is to establish a pattern of spending time together. If you do this, you are increasing the probability of resolving disagreements, and believe me, there is always something that you will disagree upon.
Time spent together allows you to stay united as a team. It tells you that you started as partners and in the end, when the kids have gone out on their own, when the career that seemed to consume your time in commutes, and meetings, and promotions have been set aside, you and your partner will still be together.
Time spent together, ever so small during exhausting life experiences increases your chances of togetherness. Studies have found if you do not have some way of keeping the sense that the two of you are one, you have more of a chance of experiencing marital problems. There is an increased probability that when your nest is empty, you find you do not have anything in common with your mate. It is one of the main reasons older couples give for their divorce.
When you initially met, you began to spend time together. You enjoyed talking together on the phone, taking walks in the park, and going to movies together. Over time you developed a relationship. Eventually you became sure that this was the person you had been waiting for, and now decided to commit to spending your life with your partner. You two drew up your emotional contract together, and both of you signed on the dotted line.
The truth is that it is easier to walk out on a marriage that has hit some snares along the way than work things out. When you have not kept your connection with your partner, it is not hard to weight the positives with the negatives and decide the negatives outweigh the positives. By focusing on the negative, it’s easier to end your commitment with the other person.
From the mouth of a person who has been married a few decades to the same individual, I can certainly say there were times both of us could have packed our bags and gone our separate ways. There were challenges we faced and some disagreements, but you cannot endure if you do not have the ability to see beyond the tsunami you think you are facing. I think one of the key reasons we have been able to have a marriage that has endured is because we see that in the grand scheme of things this disagreement, or event is only a small piece of the quilt we are making of our lives together.
I know that there are times couples should separate. But if you have entered a marriage contract, there should be much thought and consideration put into ending that marriage. I have spoken with many men and women who years after the marriage are bitter and lonely and miserable. I have wondered if their lives would have been happier if they had been able to work together and overcome their problems.
I do not have the solutions for every marriage that has come upon a brick wall. However, I know there are couples like Leland and me. Instead of bailing out, they grabbed buckets and emptied the water out of their boats until they could get to shore, together, united after thirty, forty, fifty, or more years. Just something to think about. Until later…Colleen
Key Words – marriage, time together, partners, togetherness, relationship, commitment, work together, united
Return to Articles page to read more articles
If you have any comments or feedback on this article, use the Contact Us page