By Colleen Pulley
Often, we are the toughest judge of our success and failures in life. This is especially true with our role as parents. We want the best for our children. We provide them with good schools, soccer, little league, music lessons, and braces. We hover and protect them from evil, and hope that the things we have taught them allow them to achieve “Success”.
We are devastated when they begin to make mistakes and reject the counsel and road map to success that we provided for them. We question if what we did or did not do contributed to their failures. It is almost as if they are rejecting us personally, and we are being betrayed by one who we placed our trust in.
Like other parents, we have experienced some of these same thoughts and feelings. Let me share a personal experience with you.
At one time I wanted to go to graduate school to become a social worker. I had a Bachelor’s degree in Nursing, and after working in intensive care units for newborn’s, pediatrics, and adults, I felt a Master’s in Social Work would allow me to work with families as they experienced life crises. I had taken several courses towards that end when I signed up for a class centered around addictions and their impact on families. This was one of the most memorable courses I had taken while in school.
One of the requirements was to attend several AA meetings, and write a paper on the experience, and what I learned. It just happened that my husband was working on a writing project, so while I went to classes at the university, he would bring his laptop to the library and do research. Then we would have lunch together and discuss some of the things I had covered in class. It was a chance for the two of us to spend time together, while children and jobs were taking much of our time and attention.
When he heard about the assignment to attend the AA meetings, he decided to attend with me as an observer, since part of the writing he was doing covered individuals dealing with life choices. The instructor of the course had arranged for students to attend the meetings that met at the university, as well as several other locations in town. The only requirement we had was that we identified ourselves as students from the university, and that whatever we heard would be held in confidentiality.
I do not know what I expected, but what I learned was invaluable to me. The individuals who entered the room where we met came from all walks of life – from street people to professors with doctorate degrees. The one bond they all shared was their alcohol and drug addiction. They were very open and honest with where they were, and who they were. For some the struggle involved years of abuse, and they were never going to get back what they had lost.
I do not know about you, but I had never been around people who had hit bottom in the way these people had. Now they were trying to get back what they had lost. For some the struggle involved years of abuse. They were never going to repair broken homes, or recover lost families, but they were trying to save themselves.
When the course was over, I realized how fortunate we were. At that time, my husband and I felt the choices we had made in life had led to a fair amount of success, and the efforts we had spent on our family seemed to be standing up against time. However, within several years of that course, the choices some of our adult children made did have negative impacts on their lives.
As I said earlier, often we beat ourselves up, thinking that we are the reason our child makes wrong choices and experiences failure. Do not draw quick conclusions. It is valuable to do an honest assessment and acknowledge our performance as parents. What did we do and what did each of our children do over the years. Having done this, here is some sound advice. If you have done the best that you can for your children and tried to teach them how to succeed in life and be happy, you have no reason to feel their failures are your failure, especially when they are independent adults.
Eventually, all of us must face up to our failures and mistakes in life, just like the recovering addict. Accept that our mistakes belong to us, not a parent, or boss, or someone else. As a parent we want our children to be happy, and successful. But we need to recognize that all of us have our freedom of choice and must accept the reality that we govern our own lives. When this happens, then you are on charge of your life. May we all recognize this fundamental truth. Until later, Colleen
Key Words – parents, children, mistakes, rejecting us, AA meetings, wrong choices, failure, mistakes belong to us
Return to Articles page to read more articles.
If you have any comments or feedback on this article, use the Contact Us page.