By Leland Pulley
I hear people say they have so many commitments, and not enough time and resources to meet all of them in the way they would like. Such people always want more time and money to give them additional flexibility and means to do the things they want or expected of them by others. But I maintain that in most cases, each of us allow ourselves to become overly committed without a good reason, and we do not have enough strategies to help us deal effectively with the legitimate commitments we do have.
May I give an illustration. Several years ago, I was talking to a mom whose son was on the same soccer team as one of my sons. She felt it was her obligation to attend every soccer game of her son. I asked her why she thought this was necessary, and she said this was her way of showing parental commitment and interest in the activities of her child. Having several children, myself, I nor my wife could make the commitment that we would be at every one of their activities each time they were involved. Further, it is not necessary for a parent to do this, especially for one activity like soccer. This is a case where the mom over committed herself and therefore used up some of her valuable time which could have been spent in other areas. If her son had ten soccer games, attending three or four would have been satisfactory. During the other games she could do something for another child in her family or perhaps for her own personal development and satisfaction. Maybe she could spend some special time with her husband, for he=s important too.
Another way people become committed is by striving to do many of the things that others do. It is called keeping up with the Jones family who lives across the street from you. They take long vacations so you should be able to do the same thing. They offer private music lessons to each of their children, so you would like to do the same thing for your kids. They volunteer in the community, so you want to be a good citizen and do the same thing. In these and other ways it= easy to seek the things and activities which others have or do. In the process, however, additional commitments are made, which put more pressure on your family. The unfortunate thing is that your family is not the Jones family, and your circumstances are different. You may not have the means to do everything like the Jones family and your desire to keep up with them becomes a real burden. This can lead to disappointment and even some envy.
One-way people can become committed is by offering to help someone, when they don=t really mean it. If the other person forgets about it, then the commitment goes away. But if the other person contacts you and asks for you to fulfill your commitment, then you feel obligated. You are doing something out of duty, rather than doing something because you want to do it. This type of commitment can interfere with a more important priority in your life. It can also mean a very crowded time schedule, which on some days is almost impossible to meet.
Sometimes people set unrealistic goals for themselves or unrealistic schedules to meet them. They don=t have sufficient resources nor outside assistance from others. They stumble in their progress and ultimately realize that the goals they set are idealistic for their situation in life. During this whole process of striving to meet such goals, they feel short of time, out of energy, and without sufficient money to do everything that they would want in the best and easiest way. The same old overly committed feeling drags on them. They feel frustrated and a little depressed.
One other common way that over commitment shows up in our lives is we never leave enough time for ourselves. There is not enough time to exercise; to think and meditate and pray; to slow down and think before making some of our decisions; or to merely relax. We need to do such simple things to rejuvenate and recharge ourselves on a regular basis. If we do not do this, then it is like a workweek without a weekend, or a week without a Sabbath. There is never a break. Mentally we feel more drained and physically we feel more tired. It seems like life is more of a burden. Our commitments, responsibilities, and appointments all seem to have more control over us than we do over them. So, it is important to ask ourselves. Am I running my life or is it running me? Think about this for a while.
It is true that some people want more out of life than others and will accept more commitments to obtain this. It is also true that people are individuals and commitments have a different impact on them depending upon many variables like their personalities, skill levels, resources, and relationships. Age and experience are also important factors. Even sex is a key factor. Women and men are different and respond to life in similar ways, but with some subtle differences. For example, when women fail in meeting their commitments, it affects their self-image more than men. So, the first step in dealing with commitment begins with knowing and accepting yourself as the person you are today.
Next consider the circumstances in your life, your living conditions, and the relationships you have with others. Evaluate your resources and assets. Then recognize this fundamental truth. The more favorable conditions or circumstances and greater personal assets that you have or can utilize, the easier it will be to make more or bigger commitments and fulfill them. Let us look at some ways to deal with commitments and how you can apply this to your life.
Keep commitments under control. If you want to limit your commitments and yet fulfill your responsibilities and duties, then you need to evaluate where you stand currently and what truly is important to you. What can you do at this time, and what should you do with your time, talents, energy, and finances? Then make some definite and clear decisions on what you will and will not emphasize now. Set priorities to reinforce your decisions. Then follow through on your decisions with the priorities set and strive to do what you said that you would do. In this way you have a controlled life, or it is under your control and you can manage it better. This produces less mental strain and headaches, and you feel better about yourself and what you are doing with your life. As time passes, you can shift your goals and therefore your priorities to suit your needs at that time. Remember, you are to govern your life and not let it govern you, or be in charge of your life rather than turn this over to other people or your employer or the government or other outsiders.
Another major thing you can do for commitments is to become more efficient and effective in getting things done. It is very easy to be wasteful and inefficient in the use of time and other resources. Every day there are periods where minutes are wasted. For example, there is daydreaming, as well as letting your mind wander while you should be focusing on a particular task. There are also idle conversations which accomplish very little but consume time. There are divergences such as looking at the latest news too often and too much. After a while you must ask yourself what am I really getting out of hearing about the same headline’s day after day? How is it helping me or what effect does it have on my life? I am sure you can think of other ways in which your precious minutes are consumed daily. Soon such minutes add up to hours and hours turn into days. By the end of a month you could easily have wasted the equivalent of two, three or maybe four days. This means that you must do more in the remaining days due to the ones that were wasted.
Be prepared. Take care of your health so you can do the tasks required of you. Obtain a good education and related job skills, and then keep them up to date. Develop and sustain good quality family relationships. Learn how to earn and manage money and keep debts at a minimum. Have many friends, especially those who will accept you as you are and help you in times of need. All these things represent your own personal support system, which may be necessary to call upon at times to meet specific commitments. The better support system you have, the less likely that any commitment will overwhelm or defeat you.
Finally, there are people who consider being busy and committed to a lot of things as a sign of successful living. Yes, this is even something to share with others. You know how the typical conversation goes. People openly share their tight schedules and many commitments with each other. This gives the appearance that they are involved, and are important, and yes maybe even intelligent. This busy living with lots of commitments even gives the individual a good psychological excuse for shutting out certain people or causes or rendering aid to another person when called upon to do so. Personally, I question all of this. It is true that the pace of life has increased. In fact, I have never seen so many busy people in my entire life as I do today. However, if you look through all this busy lifestyle, you see many problems and challenges facing people. What is going on? The answer is simple. Being busy is not the solution as much as been effective in pursuing the right things. In fact, being busy in pursuing the wrong things is one of the best ways to waste away your life. When enough people do this, it contributes to the many problems in our society. So, look into your own life and verify that you are busy in doing the right things for the right reasons and for the right people.
I have reached a point in my life where I feel no external pressure from others. This includes the government, the employer, neighbors, relatives, and even my own grown children. I am not overly committed. I do not use the common excuse with others that I am busy when they ask me to do something. I give them a straight answer whether I would be interested in doing it and why. The reason I am telling you this is because this is the way each of you should feel every adult decade you live. Ponder this statement and follow it. Then as you strive to get ahead in life and get the things of this world, you will not put yourself in a pressure cooker of too many commitments A during your young adult and middle age years. With this approach, you presume that by working hard and doing your best, you will be rewarded accordingly. You will make more money, gain more possessions, and eventually have a great retirement. In some cases, this is true, but in other cases it is not. Things can go your way or against you. Life is not always fair, and unexpected events can occur in your life. The future is an unknown. Remember, you only can control yourself, and not others and circumstances. For this reason, take each day, week, month, and year at a time. Pay yourself along the way with worthwhile commitments you can handle, mixed in with some good activities and joyful moments. In this way you will always feel more like you are living the life that you want to live. You are not in a pressure cooker, but a free person living a quality life.
Carefully monitor the commitments you make. Do not take on too many at once, and do not take on new ones until you have completed some of the previous ones. There needs to be a proper balance. Commitments should not take time and energy away from other aspects of life like good relationships. For example, you all know adults who put their careers before their marriages and end up getting divorced. There are parents who get involved in so many adult activities that the quality of their parenting goes down. There are individuals who are so willing to help others, yet do not take proper care of themselves. Most of the time these types of things have negative impacts in the lives of the individuals involved. I encourage you to periodically review your commitments to fulfill them properly and to keep them in check, so they do not interfere with other aspects of your life.
Key Words – commitments, pressure, burden, decisions, priorities, control, goals, efficient, effective, be prepared, support system, busy
Return to Articles page to read more articles
If you have any comments or feedback on this article, use the Contact Us page