By Colleen Pulley
Being a parent is a lot more than birthing a child. Parenting involves a lot of hands-on hard work and time. It takes involvement and yes, guidance and training. If parenting is done right, you will look back with a sense of satisfaction. You will know that you have done your part in providing the next generation with the tools to guide and mentor their own children.
My husband and I have raised our children, and from what I have observed about families and parents today, they may benefit from what we experienced and did. It is my observation that there have been some serious changes in parenting.
The first illustration comes from our neighborhood. Our housing development is about 10 years old, and well maintained. There is a good mix of different families – older families, younger families, and singles. My husband and I enjoy walking. This has given us the opportunity to visit with many neighbors. We have observed several things related to homelife and families.
One time I was talking with a young mother when another mother and her teen-age daughter passed by. The daughter was demanding that mom give her the keys to the car, as well as money, so she could go shopping with her friends. The daughter won the argument.
I looked at the young mother I was talking with and said, “That is a prime example of how not to parent.” The young mother looked at me and replied, “What do you mean.” She didn’t have a clue that the spoiled sixteen-year-old girl was the result of years of weak parenting.
Another illustration is the walks we take in the local Target store. It is a prime place to observe parenting in 2024. The other day I was pushing the shopping cart behind a mother with two children, one about three, and one about eight.
The three-year-old was kicking her feet and grabbing at the mother’s purse. Mom quickly reached into her purse and handed her I-Phone to the child. The girl was quite skilled with getting to an animated screen and became absorbed in what she was watching.
On the second loop around the store, we passed the mother again. They were close to the toy section, and the eight-year-old was arguing with mom about a toy he wanted. Mom initially told the boy no, and I smiled thinking that was the end of it. However, the boy obviously knew his mom’s weaknesses. He grabbed the toy again and put it in her shopping cart. Once again mom said no and put the toy on the shelf.
At this point mom began telling her son they were there to get groceries not toys. Immediately her son changed his tactics. “After we get the food, can we can talk about it.” He said with a smile, placing the toy on the bottom of the cart. Mom said nothing as she pushed the cart forward.
At that point the three-year-old had gotten tired of the phone and threw it on the floor. Mom stopped the cart, retrieved the phone and continued to maneuver the cart toward the groceries. As she passed some Doctor Seuss books the three-year-old grabbed “The Cat in The Hat” book and, and mom and child began a tug of war.
Finally, mom began bargaining. “If you two will let me get the grocery shopping done, you can pick out one thing when we’re finished.” Both children seemed to consider for a moment, then nodded yes. Mom looked relieved as she headed into the grocery section. In that moment mom had effectively relinquished her position as parent to her eight and three-year-old children. I watched that mom as she passed by and mentally shook my head. She had just taught her children that NO does not really mean NO.
A third parental illustration comes from my work in a hospital. As an intensive care nurse, I have observed a lot of parent-child interaction. I saw how often a parent will cave to a child’s demands. I was working in a pediatric unit when a mother brought her son in for a tonsillectomy. I walked into the room to a nine-year-old screaming and kicking his mother. His mother was pleading with her son to calm down.
Like the mother in Target, this mother had long ago relinquished her position as the parent in that relationship. Unfortunately, there was no way mom could take control of the situation at that time. We got the boy ready for surgery and sent him off to the OR (operating room). Mom turned to me and apologized for her son’s behavior. I smiled and wished her well and left. I knew that saying anything would not help this relationship.
Most parents recognize that a small child needs to be stopped from poking a fork into a light socket. They would quickly stop them from doing it. In the same vein if you want your child to be kind you must coach them about being kind. A child learns best when you are there coaching, encouraging, and praising their good work, and explaining when they have made someone cry or hurt someone’s feelings.
Unfortunately, many parents think they are doing a good job if no one complains about their child’s behavior. Parenting involves so much more. You are the most important teacher in your child’s life. They are totally dependent on you when they are small. You are the one who teaches them about being well mannered, what it means to be kind, the importance of being honest, and doing the best they can.
I think it would be appropriate to give the 1950 dictionary definition of parenting, so here it is.
As a parent you are given the responsibility of lovingly guiding your children
Parenting is the process of raising a child from birth to independent adulthood. It involves facilitating the upbringing of a child through all stages of development, caring for and nurturing the child, and fulfilling the parental responsibilities that accompany child-rearing1. Let’s delve deeper into what parenting truly means:
- Raising a Child: Parenting encompasses the journey of guiding a child from infancy to self-sufficiency. It involves providing love, support, and guidance as they grow and learn.
- Nurturing and Caring: Parents play a vital role in meeting their child’s physical, emotional, and psychological needs. This includes feeding, clothing, comforting, and ensuring safety.
- Responsibilities: Parenting goes beyond biological ties. It involves fulfilling responsibilities related to education, discipline, and instilling values. Creating a healthy environment for a child’s growth is essential.
- Preparing for Adulthood: Ultimately, parenting is about preparing children for independent adulthood. It’s not just about raising a child; it’s about shaping a future adult. Parents make deliberate choices to help their children develop character, respect, responsibility, motivation, and life skills1.
In essence, parenting is both a practical journey and a meaningful endeavor that shapes not only the child’s life but also the parent’s own growth and understanding of love and responsibility.
I do not know how well you match this description, but I support it. Therefore, here is some sound advice. If you have done the best you can for your children and tried to teach them how to succeed in life and be happy, then you have no reason to feel their failure is your failure, especially when they are independent adults.
Unfortunately, I have met plenty of parents who are continually bailing their adult children out of problems they have created. Such parents do not realize they need to step back, and let their children take responsibility for their own mistakes. Some parental tough love is justified and beneficial for both parents and adult children.
Key Words – parent, serious changes in parenting, neighborhood, Target store, hospital, coaching, explaining, most important teacher, failure, tough love, adult children
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